I have a dream, a fantasy, part 6

Marry a millionaire or win the lottery
Working title for this section was ‘clutching at straws’.

There must be plenty of single multi-millionaires knowing around just waiting to marry you

Do I detect a note of sarcasm in your tone? Of course, the best time for me to have met and married a multi-millionaire, was when I was younger, more attractive and working in formula one

Unfortunately I was too busy being career minded to even think about that (and of course all the multi-millionaires were living it up with in the Paddock Club, surrounded by glamorous models).

To be quite honest, I am not really looking to get married (multi-millionaire or not). However, a partnership in this enterprise with somebody with some shared interests and ambitions would be ideal. 

They can bring lots of money and some time to the equation, whilst I will bring lot of time, energy, knowledge, ambition, oh and some money to the table. 

Please feel free to contact me if you are interested…

So, what about the lottery?

What is the statistic again – you have more chance of being hit by a meteor, whilst herding dodos in a lightning storm than you have of winning the lottery…

The other problem is that I rarely do the lottery. Having said that, when I do get around to buying a ticket I fully expect to win and am always shocked when my numbers don’t come up.

All in all, I don’t think this is a viable plan of action either.

I have a dream, a fantasy, part 5

Be on a show

I figured that if I want to attract investment, then I need to attract some publicity. 

There are a number of ways to do this, including streaking at a major sporting event, bursting a paper bag at a Royal walkabout, or appearing on Big Brother.

To be honest, none of the above appealed. However, the thought of being on a show related to farming, smallholding or growing and eating your own produce was a slightly better option! 

My first chance was when I found out that candidates were being sought for a ‘develop your own farm project’ show. I ‘persuaded’ my Mum to be on my team and filled out the necessary application form and took some innovative photos to try to attract their attention.

It worked and we were invited to London for an audition. We made it through the first informal chat, but unfortunately not the meeting with the producer. I assumed we didn't have the knowledge base for the show, which turned out to be A Farmer’s Life for Me…

I did watch the series, with a notepad and pen at the ready to make notes about everything I learnt from it. However, it turned out not to be that sort of programme and my overwhelming memory of the series is the rather revolting and dangerous sounding idea of putting mushy, scalding hot apple inside a sausage skin, to then stuff inside a sausage as a potential new product…

The second opportunity was to be a on a create your own allotment and make your own produce show, to be screened on  BBC2. This time it was my brother who had his arm twisted into being my co-applicant and again we got invited to London for an audition.

I took home made cake and some of my jams – I’m not above using bribery!

Stage 1 was an interview with the producer and a gardening expert, which seemed to go reasonably well. My brother has always been rather amused by my level of list making and planning I use for my allotment, Auntie Allie produce business, smallholding plan and to just get me through the day; I do love a good spreadsheet. However the gardening expert seemed impressed – he must be a Virgo too!

We then had a chat on camera, which was also fine, as I am happy to chatter away to anyone and am not fazed by being on camera.

The final challenge was to make a flower arrangement on camera, in a short time period. I think this might have been our downfall, as we were feeling a little punch drunk by this time.

We were the last audition of the day, so just had the dregs of the flowers left and we unwittingly slipped into a bit of a parody of a ‘Blue Peter’ demo. At least we refrained from talking about double sided sticky tape. Anyway, we didn't make it through to The Big Allotment Challenge, but again I did watch the series with my note book at the ready to write down any useful tips.

It was probably just as well that we didn't make it through, as I am not really interested in growing the perfect bean, the ideal flower, or onions that are the same size and have a much more ‘waste not, want not’ approach.

I hate that much of the West is a ‘throw away’ society, which cares more about fruit and vegetables not having any blemishes, rather than them not having any flavour. I understood why the programme went down the road it did to help judging, but I didn't think it was a great message to promote, she says slowly dismounting from her soap box.

However, I did like The Big Allotment Challenge and learnt a bit from the people on it. Also anything that promotes home grown and home made is OK in my book!

So, the ‘Be on a show’ plan hasn't worked out yet, but I do have a proposal for a series set around my smallholding development, which also aims to inspire people to grown their own and make small changes to their own lifestyles, just in case any TV producers are reading this…

I have a dream, a fantasy, part 4

Royal Patronage

It was time to change tack and my next logical step was to approach HRH The Prince of Wales.

After all, I am looking for a backer who shares my beliefs in sustainable living, community development and inspiring guests and people in the community to make changes to their own lifestyles, even if it just growing some herbs on the windowsill.

So I followed Royal Protocol and wrote to The Private Secretary to His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM*.

To which I received a very posh reply – the postman actually bowed when he delivered it!

Whilst not being much of a Royalist, I was impressed with the prompt and nicely worded response – it really was the best ‘no’ I have ever received!

However, I was not done with their majesties. Royal patronage was a good option, but I had approached the wrong one. Prince Charles is more interested in farming, where my little enterprise is to be a B&B and smallholding, a place to relax and unwind, a refuge. 

It wasn’t Prince Charles I needed to approach, it was his wife.

Surely the Duchess of Cornwall would be the ideal person to understand that, whilst there is a lot of support and opportunities for younger people, there is far less for older people (and ladies in particular).

Logically she would therefore be interested in offering her patronage, as a lady who shares these beliefs and understands that women over a certain age are very capable and determined, as demonstrated by her schedule and that of her mother-in-law.

The timing of researching the interests of the Duchess of Cornwall also fitted in with some ideas I had been having in my own plans.

Yes, I still wanted to have a sustainable B&B with smallholding, I still wanted to sell my own Auntie Allie produce to guests and the local community and at local markets and host community events.

But I was also developing a plan to create a hub for female artisans at the property, with a row of craft stables for blacksmiths, cheese makers, wood carvers, willow workers etc. to demonstrate their work and sell their wares in a central shop.

Once again I was in receipt of a prompt, posh reply; once again the postman felt the need to bow and once again it was a polite ‘no’.

Maybe I could try baking some royal crested cakes…

I have a dream, a fantasy part 3

CALLING CELEBRITY INVESTORS (AGAIN)

So Robert Pattinson was a no go (though I still have the megaphone on standby). However, my next plan was closer to home (R Patz may be British, but he is also a Hollywood A Lister).

For some unknown reason, I’ll be honest they are not really my type of music*, I was taken to a McFly concert. I had just watched Countryfile’s feature on former boy band member, JB Gill, who has moved into farming, having purchased an estate in Kent and this was the inspiration to thinking about a possible tie up with McFly.

So why McFly?

Well, they had shown that they were willing to try something new –ballroom dancing, opera or even eating the private parts of some jungle animals.

It would be a great hook for a TV series to follow the story of setting the enterprise up and most importantly for me; it would be a way to inspire their fans about sustainability, growing and making your own produce, along with promoting the idea of eating more locally and seasonally.

It all made perfect sense to me, so it was just a case of making first contact…

As luck would have it McFly were set to play at the Newmarket Racecourse that summer and I had the perfect way to attract their attention – bake some McFly cakes!

I have to say there were awesome – beetroot & Guinness, carrot and courgette cupcakes, yes really and there is a recipe on a previous blog http://auntieallieproduce.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/the-courgette-conundrum.html with the band members’ symbols carefully iced on top.

My long-suffering friend and I grabbed a place near to the front of the stage and waited. It was certainly a new experience. I have never been an obsessed fan of anyone, even as a teenager and we were surrounded by them. Boy-o-boy did they know how to scream. I worked in motor racing for a number of years and these girls and boys could have given the F1 grid a run for its money - it is the oldest I've felt for a long time.

In reality, the only chance I had of attracting the band's attention with the cakes was to throw them at them – tempting, but not a great way to start a business relationship…

When the 'cake at concert' failed to work, I found out the contact information for their manager and sent him the proposal. This time I did get a response, but it was a regretful ‘no thank you’.

On the plus side, I can certainly add ‘McFly Cakes’ to my growing Auntie Allie Produce repertoire.

* P.S Obviously I love McFly music now I have been to a couple of gigs, big fan, feel free to contact me about my proposal, no pressure...

I have a dream, a fantasy part 2

Calling all celebrity investors

Oh come on, we all know there are a lot of celebrities desperate to find ways to spend all their hard earned cash. With Wayne Rooney earning a reported £1,785 per hour, Tom Cruise is estimated to be worth a cool US$500 million and Lewis Hamilton has a £68 million fortune he must need help with spending…

However, it is not easy to get to these celebrities and if I can be serious for a moment, I am looking for a partner who will also gain something from the enterprise, as that is really what it is all about.

So, option 1 was – wait for it- Robert Pattinson, or R Patz as he is unfathomably known. A couple of years ago I was reading an article about this British heartthrob and star of the Twilight Movies, where he was talking about the pressure of being followed by fans and the fact that many of them would ask him to BITE THEM! Now if that is not a guy in need of a quiet place to hide, then I don’t know who is.

So, I hatched a plan for him to invest in my B&B smallholding, which in return would provide Mr Pattinson with the perfect ‘cover’ and a lovely cottage in the grounds for when he wants to ‘get away from it all’ and when he stays then the B&B is ‘full’.

It would also be a top place for his dog ‘Bear’ (I did my research!) to stay. The final selling point was that I am the most confidential person I know!

So, I found out the contact details for his agent and wrote an introductory letter and proposal (for the business, not of marriage - is he good looking, I hadn't noticed!) AND…

…I never received a response, which, in reality, did not come as a big surprise.

Plan B is to go to one of his premiers and call him over using a megaphone to hand over the proposal directly, but I don’t want to waste my savings on bail money, so haven’t put it into action yet.

I have a dream, a fantasy

To run a smallholding with B&B

I think I will stop my ode to ABBA right there before it starts to get too tenuous!

It strikes me that most people live life at a very fast pace in this age of consumerism and I am working towards setting up a place to offer the opportunity to escape, just for a little while.

Auntie Allie’s Bed and Breakfast is where every guest will be assured of a warm reception, home cooked food and an experience they will want to come back for over and over again.

I can picture it so clearly - the large house at the end of a hedgerow-lined driveway; the bedrooms full of comfort not clutter; the farmhouse kitchen where guests will be welcome to drop by for a chat whilst I am making my jams, chutneys, cakes and other produce for the B&B, my neighbours and Auntie Allie stall; the large fruit and vegetable area; happy chickens strutting around the place and a rack load of elderflower champagne and homemade wines!

So that is the ‘Good Life’ dream, but this is more the story of how I am trying to make it a reality.

So who do you think you are, Tom and Barbara Good?

Clearly not, there’s just one of me, it’s not the seventies, I want to do more than dig over my suburban back garden, oh and I am going to need more than a few pence in the kitty!

Do you have a million pounds in the bank to buy this dream enterprise?

Err no, unfortunately, although I could get it off the ground for less than a million, if that helps at all?

And I do have:

• the financial plans demonstrating that it can be successful and that I'm not completely off my rocker
• the experience gained from having my own allotment, working on a farm, having my own jams and chutney making business and going on various relevant courses.
• the skills in animal care, growing produce, making produce, promotional activities, events and perhaps most importantly in hospitality.

I certainly have the will, but unfortunately I don’t have access to a large stash of money, which is why, over the last couple of years, I have come up with some rather interesting ways to bankroll my dream.

Such as?

Well, some of them are a little embarrassing, but you will need to wait for the next instalment...

Yum Yum - wild garlic time

Top foraging!

Wild garlic, of the Ramsons variety, is in season in the springtime and can be found throughout the country – just follow your nose!

Ramsbottom in Lincolnshire and Ramsey in Essex both take their name from having prolific amounts of this delicious plant. I can't guarantee they still do, but if you are looking for some then head for some damp woods, as it is a plant that likes the damp and shade. 

It is a member of the onion family and like its relatives, the wild garlic has a bulb, a wrap-around stem and lily –like leaf. They have a rather delicate white and star shaped flower.

The Ramsons’ bulb is much smaller than its commercially-grown cousin and you do not want to be digging this up. Instead harvest the leaves for a tasty addition to your forager’s larder. If kept in a sealed container they should last for about a week.

Whilst the smell is certainly rather potent, it is because wild garlic grows in very large clumps and the taste is actually rather milder than its cultivated relative.

Chopped wild garlic leaves make a very tasty addition to any salad, can be mixed into butter, sour cream or mayonnaise.

Below are some recipes featuring wild garlic:

Wild Garlic Pesto

Ingredients

200g wild garlic

200g other fresh herbs (eg parsley or chives)

200g hard cheese (eg parmesan)

200g hazelnuts

Olive oil for drizzling

Method

Place all of the leaves and herbs into a bowl and blend using a stick blender. Strain off any juices, before adding the cheese, nuts and a good pinch of salt.

Mix well to combine, then drizzle the olive oil to taste

Wild Garlic Pasta Sauce (serves 3)

Ingredients

150g wild garlic shoots (sliced and chopped)

1 tin tomatoes

1 onion (chopped)

2 tbsps Dijon mustard

½ tsp clear honey

2 tbsp clear honey

2 tbsp tomato puree

Parmesan cheese

Oil

Cracked black pepper

Method

Wash the wild garlic, drain and dry

Fry the onion until soft and translucent

Add the tomatoes, 100g of wild garlic, the Dijon mustard, tomato puree and honey.

Stir well, then simmer until reduced, about 15 – 20 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stir in the remaining 50g of wild garlic, stir and serve with grated Parmesan cheese and cracked black pepper

Wild garlic has a long history of being used for its healing benefits. The Native Americans believed it helped treat asthma and respiratory disorders and during the Middle Ages it was a key part of the fight against cholera and the plague. The juice of the bulb is known to help heal wounds, a fact that field doctors in World War One made use of, with many soldiers being saved by the use of wild garlic bandages.

Even today, medics are looking to wild and cultivated garlic in the battle against super bugs and resistant strains of bacteria. Allicins, the substances which give the garlic flavour has been found to reduce blood pressure and improve health.

There are two other types of wild garlic in the UK, both of which are found in pasture land, rather than the woods. Crow garlic can reach 1.2m in height (Ramsons will grow up to 20cms) and farmers will be delighted if you can remove this from their fields, as it can infiltrate the grain crop, affecting its value; or add an ‘interesting’ odour to cows milk. Three-cornered garlic is a non-native variety which can be found in the South West.

One word of warning - if you are heading out to find some wild garlic you need to be aware that the leaves resemble those of the poisonous lily-of-the-valley. However, if you crush the leaves and they smell of garlic, then it is garlic!

Wet Winter Woes

It’s all a bit soggy and claggy

Well, it hasn’t been much of a winter so far – I have now probably guaranteed 6ft of snow until April by writing this ‘out loud’!

Here in East Anglia, I have rarely had to de-ice the car to get to work and it has all been rather mild, but wet.

Many people will be pleased to avoid a freezing cold winter. However, I confess that I prefer it if we get defined seasons and I think that deep frosts do the allotment no end of good, as they kill the bugs and break up the soil for spring.

But despite the rain, work has continued and below are some of the things I have been up to:

As the main sowing and planting season approaches, I must confess I am already a bit behind in getting my onions and garlic sets planted. However, I am not too worried, as they may well have rotted in the ground by now.

Last year I didn’t plant them until February and had an excellent harvest! How is everyone in Veg Planting Land faring with their onion and garlic planting?

I have finished my planting plan and found a good source of manure to put on the beds that need it.

We have had enough dry days for me to have been working hard on the plot - digging up finished crops, preparing the beds for the growing season and doing some general tidying up.

In these conditions it is especially important to keep your tools clean and oiled and it is also a good time to get your pots and plant labels cleaned.

I am still harvesting swede, Brussels sprouts (not just for Christmas), celeriac and rocket – I sow a wild rocket, which carries on growing through the seasons.

I have also just put my seed potatoes in egg boxes on the window sill to chit.

Well the rain is lashing against the window today, so think I will make some warming leek and potato soup – using home grown veg which always seem to taste so much better than any you buy!