I have a dream, a fantasy, part 5

Be on a show

I figured that if I want to attract investment, then I need to attract some publicity. 

There are a number of ways to do this, including streaking at a major sporting event, bursting a paper bag at a Royal walkabout, or appearing on Big Brother.

To be honest, none of the above appealed. However, the thought of being on a show related to farming, smallholding or growing and eating your own produce was a slightly better option! 

My first chance was when I found out that candidates were being sought for a ‘develop your own farm project’ show. I ‘persuaded’ my Mum to be on my team and filled out the necessary application form and took some innovative photos to try to attract their attention.

It worked and we were invited to London for an audition. We made it through the first informal chat, but unfortunately not the meeting with the producer. I assumed we didn't have the knowledge base for the show, which turned out to be A Farmer’s Life for Me…

I did watch the series, with a notepad and pen at the ready to make notes about everything I learnt from it. However, it turned out not to be that sort of programme and my overwhelming memory of the series is the rather revolting and dangerous sounding idea of putting mushy, scalding hot apple inside a sausage skin, to then stuff inside a sausage as a potential new product…

The second opportunity was to be a on a create your own allotment and make your own produce show, to be screened on  BBC2. This time it was my brother who had his arm twisted into being my co-applicant and again we got invited to London for an audition.

I took home made cake and some of my jams – I’m not above using bribery!

Stage 1 was an interview with the producer and a gardening expert, which seemed to go reasonably well. My brother has always been rather amused by my level of list making and planning I use for my allotment, Auntie Allie produce business, smallholding plan and to just get me through the day; I do love a good spreadsheet. However the gardening expert seemed impressed – he must be a Virgo too!

We then had a chat on camera, which was also fine, as I am happy to chatter away to anyone and am not fazed by being on camera.

The final challenge was to make a flower arrangement on camera, in a short time period. I think this might have been our downfall, as we were feeling a little punch drunk by this time.

We were the last audition of the day, so just had the dregs of the flowers left and we unwittingly slipped into a bit of a parody of a ‘Blue Peter’ demo. At least we refrained from talking about double sided sticky tape. Anyway, we didn't make it through to The Big Allotment Challenge, but again I did watch the series with my note book at the ready to write down any useful tips.

It was probably just as well that we didn't make it through, as I am not really interested in growing the perfect bean, the ideal flower, or onions that are the same size and have a much more ‘waste not, want not’ approach.

I hate that much of the West is a ‘throw away’ society, which cares more about fruit and vegetables not having any blemishes, rather than them not having any flavour. I understood why the programme went down the road it did to help judging, but I didn't think it was a great message to promote, she says slowly dismounting from her soap box.

However, I did like The Big Allotment Challenge and learnt a bit from the people on it. Also anything that promotes home grown and home made is OK in my book!

So, the ‘Be on a show’ plan hasn't worked out yet, but I do have a proposal for a series set around my smallholding development, which also aims to inspire people to grown their own and make small changes to their own lifestyles, just in case any TV producers are reading this…